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| So... I should be typing up a lab report for my Biochemistry class but I guess I needed to get this off my chest first before I start anything else.
Many times, we've all been in and out of relationships where one person walks out feeling bitter and resentful about why so-and-so dumped him or her because he or she was the best thing that could have ever happened to their partner. May be true. May not be. Having gone through many break-ups many times before, I've always felt that it was unfair that I was dumped so "suddenly" and "without warning". I wasn't given enough chances to fix what I may have done to upset my boyfriends at whichever time period it may have been in my life. And then finally, after grieving for a month or two, I regain my composure and swear to become the best person I could possibly be in hopes to smite my most recent ex for having dumped me. 'Cause you know, I'm just so frikkin' amazing. Why the hell would they leave me?
As I've recently learned, ending a relationship is not one of the easiest things to do in a relationship either. In fact, for me, it was probably more difficult than being dumped. Why? Well, your ex ends up resenting you, then somehow tries to convince you that regardless of the relationship, your friendship was still genuine and so contact should never end between the two of you and so on. The typical symptoms of post-relationship heartbreak. We've all been there.
My thoughts about being on the flip side of a post-relationship? Well, it sucked. Unfortunately, people who have never had to actually dump anyone (including me until now) don't realize that there's a tremendous amount of uncertainty, doubt and fear of regret involved when making the decision to leave somebody especially when the person is a good person but they are just not your type of life-long partner material.
Is it wrong and distasteful to dump somebody after being with them for a reasonable amount of time and after they've provided essentials for you such as food, a place to study, and maybe even new friends? In a third-person perspective, probably.
Main point being:
When you're not happy in a relationship, it ends. It is a very rare occasion to have a happy, mutual break-up. I was not happy in the relationship and many people did not realize that because I was usually always laughs and giggles. I tried my best to overlook my feeling of loneliness and emptiness and maybe even disregard the fact that I was unhappy by telling myself that "He's done so much for me. How could I leave him? My family loves him, too." I basically felt obligated to him. That's no longer a relationship but I didn't realize that. I've never felt "obligated" to someone before. I was always the naive and happily in-love person.
So where did the relationship go wrong? How could I have dumped such a funny, sweet, and caring guy and fall right into the arms of a stranger?
I never felt like I was special enough for my ex. I've done my fair share of stupid and ridiculous bitchy things and for him, he didn't feel the plausible reason and need to stand up for me against his friends when they felt the need to call me this name or that name. Understandable. He probably was doubting our relationship also but for whatever reason, he stayed with me. I started to feel like I was not worth much to my ex and that I was not someone who could be understood like everyone else. And so, I carried on with the relationship thinking things will get better.
These feelings began to distance my ex and me and eventually, it gave enough room for a stranger to walk into my life and make me feel like I was worthwhile to him more so than my boyfriend at the time. He grew on me as quickly as I had grown on him. When I saw that happening, I ended the relationship with my ex.
Just because I had someone to run to after my last relationship did not make it any easier. I felt like the biggest asshole for the longest time and sometimes I still do. In everyone's eyes, I had left my ex, my most loving, sweet, funny, and caring ex, for a complete stranger. What a bitch, right? Unfortunately, most people will never understand how much my last relationship had actually HURT my confidence than strengthen it despite all the "good" my ex did for me.
So yes, doing the breaking-up sucks, too. I cared for and loved my ex but I guess I was not in-love. He cared for me and showed me a lot of affection in his own way but it was not for me and regardless of me trying to express myself, he was sometimes was just clueless. That's not his fault though. I'm sure he'll find a girl who he can understand.
Unintentionally but fortunately, from that relationship, I was able to find someone else who finally made me feel more whole than I did before. Some short time later, I am happy and can finally say I don't regret what I did. Especially not after being told by my ex that a good "95%" of the relationship falling apart was my fault. That number must have come from some complicated engineering math formula that I don't know about.
My advice: Always do your best, be understanding, realistic and be THERE for your significant other.
Good luck, all you lucky lovers  | | |
| I haven't been blogging for a bit. Umm. Yeah. I don't really know what to write about right now. The weather's nice. IT's been awesome. I'd like to talk about myself but then I feel so narcissistic like that Haha Uh... Well, yeah, life's been pretty good. And weird. And great :) I'm having fun... So...
I hope you guys are enjoying Memorial Day and the wonderful weather, well, at least in my area. I'm taking summer classes right now too so yeah. I've been busy. Alright, peace friends :)
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| Take this and eat it. Now grow up. Bye.
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| Have you ever been betrayed by someone so many times, after a while, you told yourself, "No more. I will not let this person hurt me anymore. Screw them. F*** them. I don't give a s*** about them." Well, I tried to be like that. In fact, I have always wanted to think of myself as the "tough" girl; the one who will put her foot down when she's been trampled over so many times. Wrong. I have proven myself once again to be the easily bendable and breakable person.
I don't know why but no matter how much someone can hurt me, I can't seem to stay angry at them. I cannot hold a grudge for too long. In the end almost always (mostly likely always but who really knows. My memory is just awful sometimes), I end up being the one to try and reconcile everything. Sometimes I'd wonder what it would be like if I were to just let someone bend their back for me. I guess I'll never know. I'm a pushover. I admit it. I'm a pushover. I let people get their ways a lot because I'm not mentally strong enough to just say, "F*** you," and really put my foot down on those words. I just can't.
I'm sure there are many out there who can agree with me. I've come to realize the person I've become. I'm a very forgiving and trusting person. My ex boyfriend has dumped me three times and each time, I felt like crap as if I had been used; as though maybe he never really cared. At this point, I've learned that he probably never really meant anything he's ever told me because he's too young to understand what "love" means and that it is more than just the warm giddy feelings in the stomach; the butterflies; the constant compliments; the flirting; the romantic ideas of "I love you. Forever and Always."
My ex is the reason I am sitting here right now writing this.
Yes, call me "weak" and an "attention whore" for making our relationship issues public to anybody who reads this. Well, whatever. I don't care anymore about what you have to think. This is now my f***ing life and I'll run it the way I've always wanted to. I'm tired of having my feelings being pulled back and forth on a string like a yo-yo. I'm human. I have a heart and it beats in case you couldn't tell. Just because I don't always come see you and constantly call you cute and plan out romantic things does not mean I never loved or cared for you. Babe, if anything, I showed you what real love actually looks like, everything without the flowers, rainbows and butterflies. I showed you that love is not about always getting what you want. Honey, I know you like romantic plans but I'm tired of being the guy in the relationship when you're the one with the penis.
I forgive you though. I told you last night that I'd be willing to let this all go and be your friend. It's okay to be selfish, to have used me like your blow-up doll. It's alright. I will still always remain the trusting and forgiving person I am, the very elements of me that you despised for fear I'd get myself hurt one day. Babe, you were one of them, if not, the only one who had actually ever betrayed my trust and forgiveness and disliked it at the same time. It's okay. You're young--17, not ripe and just as oblivious to others' feelings as I am. You say you understand that this hurts me. No, babe. No, you do not understand. You have always been the heartbreaker from your first girlfriend to your last, always the thrill-seeker and when you came to me and told me you were ready for something serious, I believed it and now here I am picking myself up again. For the third time, honey. How many times do you like to break my heart? It's not completely your fault, of course not. I am on the road to forgiving myself for making the mistake of trusting you.
One day, you will see that forgiveness and trust is valuable. Consider yourself fortunate that I am one of those few because I know one day you will be grateful that such people exist when your heart gets smashed as many times as you had broken mine.
I'm still an angry person but I will continue to always remain forgiving, trusting, and loving. That is just how I am and I know that one day, I will truly be appreciated for these qualities although caution is now key.
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